Intentionality- Marriage
Genesis 2:20-24
The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
God created marriage to be a good thing, a gift. The fallen nature of our sinful human selves has turned that gift on its head. We make our marriages difficult with our selfishness. We don't always make it easy for our spouses to love us. We don't always give our marriage the focus it needs not only to survive, but to grow. We don't always have people we can turn to for help, advice or prayer when times are tough.With that in light, maybe this post can be enlightening and useful for you in your life and marriage at the present. Whether your relationship is in the trenches or at its peak, there is surely a nugget of wisdom in here for anyone.I've only been married just shy of three years, so I know there is much I have to learn still, but I also have gained a lot of insight as these first years have been far from being a breeze. Six months after we were married, we found out I had PTSD, which lead to Hunter attending counseling with me for about a whole year, so we could figure out how to get me better, but also how to better manage our marriage. We gained a lot of insight into the ways we were missing the mark in our roles as husband and wife. Currently, we are wrapping up a four month marriage class through our church called Re|Engage that has been very helpful in deciphering where our biggest issues lie. In our three years of marriage we've supported each other through the deaths of many loved ones, the hardship of having a low income and tight budget due to being in college, having not so great bosses at some jobs, moving to a new city, and adjusting to new boundaries with extended family, to name some of the major things. With all of these experiences and classes in mind, here are some of the top things that I try to and want to be better at when it comes to being more intentional in my marriage. I hope that these can be helpful and inspiring to another couple out there too.
Clear CommunicationThis is probably our biggest issue to be honest. I can struggle with having a process or situation already thought out and expecting my husband to join my bandwagon and know what I'm thinking. I am a natural leader, so many times I will take charge and follow through with a project without there being discussion about it. My husband does not work that way like there to be a dialogue. We both explain ourselves in completely different ways. I'm more of a realist and don't always speak considering my tone or with empathy. My husband is more sensitive and reads into words more than what's simply being stated. On and on I could go. So, we have to be incredibly patient and intentional of everything going on around us when we communicate with each other. Will that always be that way? I hope not! In the mean time, I try to remind myself that good marriages take time, and couples don't automatically know their spouse like the back of their hand after a few years. It takes much, much longer than that, and we're just at the beginning!
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing- Proverbs 12:18
Dating with a PurposeI'll say it simply, it's easy to get comfortable once your married. This is not the case for every couple, but it's certainly possible to let the sparks die and to let yourself go. Your time commitments will change as you enter new seasons, possibly bringing children into the world or gaining new responsibilities or jobs. It's easy to let your date life go once you've snagged "The One." DON'T DO THAT! There's nothing, I don't think that'll separate you faster from your spouse than putting everything else before them. There will always be something new to learn about your spouse as you grow, and it's important to take the time to learn about each other and be vulnerable with each other. That doesn't mean you always have to plan something flashy and incredibly romantic, just do what you know your spouse enjoys or what you enjoy doing together!
Attend a Yearly Marriage ConferenceThis is something we try to accomplish as best as we can. Unless we can't find one next month, this will be the first year we've missed a marriage conference. We attended our first marriage conference three months after we married, as an early birthday gift from my husband's parents. We went to A Weekend to Remember that first year and the year after. If you've never attended one of these conferences, in all seriousness, you need to go to one! They really are great and so insightful. After the last session, you will recount your vows to each other before leaving home from the awesome weekend and there's not a dry eye in the ballroom. It can change your marriage big time if you take it seriously and go with the intention of listening to someone's (and God's) advice to you and following through with that advice after you return to ordinary life.
Having Quality FriendshipsMaking sure you still keep in contact with your friends is so crucial! While having a great friendship with your spouse is so important, there is wisdom in having friends (if the same sex) that you can turn to during good and bad times.
Proverbs 27:17 says “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”
We can learn much from our spouse, but there are things that we can only learn from another woman. Building relationships with people of the opposite sex once married is not something I'd ever recommend doing, as that can lead to messiness that would be better avoided. It will eliminate any "what-ifs," he-said/she-saids, or confusion from others that might see you in public together. Having a trusted group of lady friends as a wife, or guy friends as a husband that you can learn from, confess your mistakes to, get accountability from or just hang out with is very healthy and important in growing as an individual. Keep in mind who you choose to be friends with though. Your friends don't have to be just like you, but they should posses qualities that inspire you to be a better person and that are a good example to you. It's easy to follow suit to someone else's bad habits if you spend enough time around them, some of those habits will run off on you and wreak havoc in your marriage.
Being on Each Others SideAt the beginning of our marriage, this was a much bigger stumbling block for us. It's nice to see one way we've grown and struggle less in our marriage. On my husbands side, he would be quick to choose his family's perspective or comfort before he considered my own. It was infuriating, but I can say he's changed tremendously in making me a higher priority since those days. There are times when we first got married that I would be embarrassed of my husband when we're in public and would pick on him or put him down. I'm glad to say I've come far from those days as well. I've learned to be aware of how I'm treating my husband when we're around others, not just for show, but because the last thing I want to do his hurt his feelings l, embarrass or disrespect him. We have to stop and tell ourselves during disagreements that we're on the same side, that we're not each other's enemies or out to get each other. We have to remind ourselves to trust the other person and know that we aren't out to get each other. It's not easy at all times, but it's an important mindset to put into practice.
Speaking Life Maybe you've already experienced the hurt that comes when you aren't careful with your words. Our mouths are capable of cutting wounds so deep that it takes years for them to truly heal and for trust to be resorted. One of my biggest takeaways from our Re|Engage class has been understand that I am responsible for my reactions. My husband can be wounding or hurtful, but that doesn't give me the freedom to bite back in return. In those moments, the best thing I can do is to seek peace and not contribute to the escalation. When I have put that into practice, let me say, it's changed everything. Now, I don't say all this meaning there aren't times when the table is turned and it's me being wounding, that certainly does happen unfortunately. However, it's important to take all this advice and apply it to yourself, not you spouse. While it is important for your spouse to speak life you you, you can't control what's going to come out of their mouths!
With all this said, I don't want you to turn to your spouse and point out the ways they aren't doing something on this list well. First off, check yourself! Whether you're the husband or the wife reading this today, these ideas can apply to everyone! If you want to fix your marriage, as said in Re|Engage, write out the word "Me," then put a big circle around it. That's who needs fixing. Then, let there be some healthy, open communication with your spouse if there's something that really spoke to you where you feel you could both improve. If that's not working, maybe it's a good time to reach out to a good friend, not to complain and degrade your spouse, but to ask for advice and have accountability.