Coffee with K. motherhood + date night (S3|E4)
This fall and winter season I am FINALLY getting back to Friday blog drops! I am so thrilled!
Every other blog will be a transcription from my podcast, Coffee with K, starting with my most recent episodes, and making my way back through my archive!
Today’s episode is the last one I recorded in my Motherhood series, on Date Night, and my guest is my friend, fellow author and blogger Abbie Halberstadt!
Kyrie: You might know her better as M is for Mama. She is, you know, out of all people, THE person to talk about motherhood.
Abbie: It’s funny because, you know, when you have ten kids, people think of you as an expert. But really, motherhood is kind of a process. No matter how many kids you have, you know, you're always learning new tricks of the trade. You're always finding out things about yourself that you didn't realize because motherhood is such a magnifying glass at the sin in your life and the things that you need to work on. And the Lord is really faithful to reveal those things no matter what number of kids you have. So yeah, really, I enjoy being a mama. But even just this morning we had some craziness with toddlers and I was like, I am ready for naptime. So I can definitely relate to younger moms feeling that way, too.
Kyrie: Yes. Oh man. And I just love getting to start that authentically off the bat. Um, for any of you guys who follow me on Instagram, follow my blog. I've been on a very mysterious trip away with our family. I haven't disclosed the location yet on the podcast, but I had this huge epiphany that I shared how you can even be in literal Paradise in the tropics, and your kids will still find a way to bring up animosity in you. There will still be tensions between you and your spouse. You will still get sick. Life will still happen. As Abbie and I went through five minutes ago, your technology will still crash. Life goes on. And hopefully you guys have picked up that. I don't want to normalize that, but I think it just helps so much to speak it out and to, like, put it on the table and recognize that. That is just life like everybody goes through it. Everybody has similar ups and downs and roller coasters and you're not the exception. If you're at all, you know, those things. So I just appreciate that you mentioned that because it just really gets us like all on equal ground of- breathe in- we’re here. We're listening to your podcast. We're just taking a moment to just be human and connect and seek the Lord through our humanness.
Kyrie: So this topic that we are sharing about today is date night. If you guys follow Abbie on her Instagram Thursdays, as she shared in her book two, she and her husband get to have date nights. And I thought, what better way to branch on the topic of motherhood than talking about something that most of us have in common is our relationships with our spouses and how we can strengthen those. Because, you know, it takes two to bring these little kiddos into the world. And having that close knit relationship with a spouse is so, so important, I think, to a motherhood journey. Um, so Abby, can you if you haven't heard, I'm going to let her tell y'all more about her date night. And you know, just what she shares on social media or even hasn't shared.
Abbie: Yeah. So like you mentioned Thursday, which today is Thursday. And I am also very much looking forward to date night. Um, last night. So much so that last night when Sean and I, we do a prayer time right before we go to sleep when we're in bed and and right after prayer time. I said, okay, I'm starving. What are we having for dinner tomorrow? Where are we going for date night? So we we already picked where we're going because I was craving certain appetizers. So we really, really look forward to it. But and a lot of people are really surprised that as parents of ten children, we can make time for that, that we choose to prioritize that. Um, how you get a lot of feedback from people that either think that date night is awesome or some people that really feel like it's not their jam and feel like it's kind of frivolous and that they don't need it to enhance their marital relationship, which is fine.
I think that you could even substitute the phrase time of focused connection for a date night. So when we hear date night, we picture putting on nice clothes, maybe wearing heels and some lipstick and fixing our hair and some perfume and, you know, going out for a time where you just have this uninterrupted moment of connection with your spouse and all this can be great. But I think that dates can look very different depending on your circumstances in life. And our's have morphed quite a bit over the years. So these days, with teenagers in the house who are more than happy to help out with our younger children for a little while before they go to bed, because we usually head out around 5:30. And then our youngest children, our youngest three, who are the most work for sure. Um, go to bed around 7:30. So they really only have them for about two hours each week and then they actually get free time to watch a movie to make a treat. They kind of look forward to it as much as we do.
In fact, some weeks we've been like, Oh, we're a little too busy. You're like, Go, go, go, go on date night. Because they they view it as something to look forward to each week together as siblings to do because we don't do just tons of screen time so that they can watch a movie or that they can play games together. They look forward to that. So in the past, before we had older children that could allow us to actually leave the house and do the whole high heels and lipstick thing. Although my husband prefers when I wear a sweatshirt and jeans, so I don't necessarily always do that. Um. We would do date night at home. And we did that before we had kids. We had a kid one year in a little less than one year into our marriage. So we have almost always had babies, throughout our 17.5 years of marriage. But we would set aside Thursday nights and usually it was take out or something easy like a charcuterie board or some snacky type food. And we would hang out on the couch and watch a show or chat or do some sort of silly couples quiz, you know, from the internet or um, play a game together, you know, and just that decompression and that putting all other things aside, um, I know a lot of people use date night for an opportunity to do vision casting or budgeting or whatever, and that's fine. That's great. If that's how you roll, that's awesome for us.
We're so on all week with everything we have going on and we kind of all we both have a lot of plates spinning at all time in addition to lots of kids. Um, but we do so much of it together. But it's also, it's very- What's the right word for it? It's very collaborative, but it's not romantic. It's not necessarily relaxed, you know. And so date night for us is where we're saying, you know what, Maybe we're going to talk about what's going on with the kids. Maybe we're going to talk about a project we have going on or a t shirt launch that we just did. But probably we're going to just make this as chill and enjoyable as possible and a time for it to be refreshment and refilling our cups as a couple. And again, I know people that their date night looks like coffee together on the front porch. So it's not even at night and it's not technically a date, but they make that priority to say, I mean, we're going to put on a show for the kids and we're going to go on on the front porch and we're going to meet for 30 minutes and maybe that's what we've got. Or we do it twice a week, or some people will go for a picnic and have their kids run around because we have never really paid for babysitting very much. We didn't have a lot of access to people that we really, really trusted to come to our house. Now I have a really nice mom and dad, but my mom has kept my kids a lot. But she Thursday nights weren't the night that she would have usually kept kids. So making that a priority at home. Made it really fun to look forward to.
I teach fitness classes and I used to teach a fitness class on Thursday afternoons and then I would pick up like Thai food on the way home. And one thing that I would always do, because people are like, I don't know how to make that happen, that feels stressful. It didn't feel stressful to me because it felt worth it to put the effort into. But so I would literally plan ahead for dinner for the little kids. I would plan, I say for little kids, my most of my kids were all little at that point. But at this point I have three sections. You have the middle kids, the little kids and the big kids. And so for for my very young children, I would be planning for them to go to bed 30 minutes to an hour earlier than usual so that we could actually have that focused time. And so I would even like wake them up earlier than usual on Thursday, shift their their nap time. I mean, I was committed to making this happen because it really did not only give us something just to really anticipate with a lot of joy, but also to kind of this big sigh of, oh, coming out of it, that we've had that connection. And then we have another one coming next week. And we didn't do it every single week, but pretty, pretty close.
Kyrie: You know, I've never had this like realization until this very moment. Not to put it on the same level as Sabbath, but just thinking about like celebrating the Sabbath is always like that, enjoying like momentous day of the week where you get to meet with the Lord and fellowship and like do your favorite things and like rest, not work and reconnect and kind of recalibrate. And I kind of feel like sometimes date night can be that not like another Sabbath, but, you know, as Christians like we honor the Lord, we serve our God first. And, you know, if you're married like your husband, your marriage is kind of like the next level down of importance in your life. And. You know, not like you said, you don't have to do it weekly. That doesn't always happen. But when you get to have that time together, but it is just like a sigh of relief, enjoyable, something fun, something reconnecting. And, you know, I feel like the closer I get to my husband, the closer and steadier my relationship with the Lord tends to be of us being able to, like, be on the same track together or like having date night where I can usually like it's lighthearted.
We're not usually talking about anything like hard and heavy, but if something does come up where I'm having a really hard time, where I can like have that peace and privacy just with my spouse to be like, okay, I'm really struggling, can we please talk about this? Like we have some time, we have some space where like he can help me with something that's going on, whether it's good or bad. And so I just kind of think that like. I wonder if people in early century, you know, Christianity, if they got to do that with their spouses, it just makes me so curious. Um, you know, that is such an intentional thing that you do even before you're married. You know, we're like, you have to intentionally date somebody to get to know them and, like, figure out what you like and, and how much. I appreciate that even as a wife now to where it's like, please continue dating me. Like, please get keep getting to know me and like hang out with me and have fun. So I'm just always curious. Now I guess I'll find this out in heaven. Um, if God kind of had a little plan in place when he set up that pattern in our human lives, I guess we'll just have to see.
Abbie: I picture like, people of old, like walking through the wheat field together, holding hands. That was their date.
Kyrie: Oh, yeah, right. I don't know. Pressing grapes or going getting water at the. Well. I know the woman got the water from the well, but who knew? Maybe they would go for a late night. Well, walks. I don't know. Maybe That sounds enjoyable. Oh, man. Um, this is a random question. Do you remember what y'all's first date was after having children?
Abbie: Oh, probably. Oh, yeah, I do, because it was our anniversary. So we had Ezra our first on May 24th, 2006, and we celebrated our first anniversary dinner on June 2nd, 2006. So yeah, I do actually. That's what that would have been. We definitely wouldn't have gone anywhere before that or done much of anything between having him think eight days earlier and that.
Kyrie: Oh, wow. That's so sweet. As I was talking with you just recalled our first date after our first baby because I was like, first kiddo, not leaving them behind. I wasn't ready for a babysitter. I guess my mom probably couldn't come at the time. We lived a lot closer to her, and so we took him. Actually, I do know somebody did. My best friend at the time came and babysat with her husband. So we did have somebody come and we went out. We lived in Denton at the time, so we went to the town square because that's where we had our first our very first date. And I think we had a bottle of wine that we'd been saving from a special trip from Mount Vernon, actually, I think was what it was from. And some like a little charcuterie board on the square for about an hour. And then we went home because I was so exhausted.
Um, and I think that's something to a great topic kind of the branch on of having the flexibility in date night and like a good expectation because in my experience, like our date nights do not look the same post children as I did pre children and think sometimes it's easy to feel resentful for that. Um where like there doesn't need to be any resentment if I think you kind of come in prepared of like dating is going to look different before we from before from when before we have kids to now and like letting that be a blessing, like a moment of gratitude versus feeling like a burden. Do you have any thoughts about that?
Abbie: Well, I think there are also different seasons in our marriages. We have gotten, like I said, to the point that we are kind of full circle back to the ability to go out by ourselves, and I don't take that for granted at all because even when we've had older kids that could be able to babysit, if we have small babies, we bring them with us. So, you know, we had our youngest two who are now two with us on date night until they were probably. At least a year old, you know, So we had two babies with us.
Each time we would go out. So that that first moment where you kind of walk out of the house with no children with you and they might have been like 14 or 15 months before we stopped taking them with us. Is is is so freeing. So I feel like from my perspective of having all of the ages that I do that I would just encourage younger moms who are seeing their date night routine shift, that they'll shift back, like there will be seasons where you will, like I said, walk out of the house for the first time with no kids in forever and be like, This just feels unreal because I have gotten so in the mode of being needed even when it's date night or whatever. And it increases your appreciation for it. It increases your gratitude. It helps you to understand just how precious that time is, when it is fleeting or when it is, quote unquote, interrupted, or you have to modify.
So I just really encourage people to try not to fight too hard against the stage that they're in. There is because people when they say, well, I can't pay for a babysitter anymore and so we can't go out anymore. And and I, you know, I'm nursing so I can't find any dresses that I like or, you know, I my hormones have changed and I'm allergic to the perfume I used to wear. And I just I don't feel as pretty or as feminine and it's not as sexy and it's not as, you know, flirty and. That's it. All of those may be true, but that's also looking at it in the worst possible light.
So I'm always encouraging people to say what is sweet about this season that I'm in? What is the Lord offering me that I can glean from this? So in our years of date nights at home, I think one of the things that I enjoyed the most that was completely different than how we were when we were dating before we were married is we had complete freedom to do anything we wanted on that couch, if you know what I mean. And we did not have sex, so we got married. So we didn't have that. I mean, that's that's a way that date night was completely different and such a good way with benefits. And so, no, we didn't get dressed up. We didn't go out. We weren't completely free of kids. We didn't have a babysitter available, but we were able to partake of certain things that we couldn't before we were married. And so that was part of date night for us. Not every week, but, you know, just making out on the couch, having fun. So I feel like. Your perspective matters so much, like whether you're looking for the things that motherhood or parenthood has taken away from you, or whether you're looking for the ways that is enhanced your relationship with your husband and changed it, but not in a bad way. Just in a different way.
Kyrie: Absolutely. And I think something that has been an encouragement to me. I know for some people it's like, oh, please stop telling me this. But when I have older women in my life who remind me like one day, they're not like, it's not going to be like this, like one day your kids are going to be grown up and like, you're not going to have a babysitter or like, you're not going to have a baby to come home to after date night. Like, you can do whatever you want, have date night every night if you want. And so just like taking advantage of the season that you have like fully as it is and yeah, like not like I hope for with my kids when my kids get older. Like, honestly, I, I love them being little. It's so tiring and it's so exhausting, but like, it's so cute, and I can't even think about them being like 20 or 30. I'll cry. But so just I do love when women have told me like, just enjoy it. I know it's hard. I know you're tired, but go out like take advantage.
But yeah, that is another thing. Being tired on date night. And so like you said, having the freedom to let date night look like whatever you want it to be. Um, and not, you know, cutting it out completely because of the season you're in, whether it's financial, whether it's, you know, kids or no kids or whatever. What has been one of your favorite date nights that you guys have gone out on?
Abbie: There's probably lots more that could come to mind. But what immediately popped into my head was during Covid when everything was shut down, and you could pick up food but you couldn't eat in restaurants. And I was pregnant with Titus and Toby, our two year old twins, and we got food from somewhere. I don't even remember the food particularly, but we took it out to a park and we sat on a bench and looked out over the pond and, um, just talked and walked through the woods and enjoyed our food, you know, ate with our fingers, kind of like a picnic. And that's probably not something that we would have done if we weren't forced to go.
I mean, it's not something that we choose to do now that restaurants are open because just the convenience of being able to sit down and have your forks and plates and napkins all in front of you, but it was just really enjoyable and it was so different than what we were normally doing. So that's probably not my favorite date night ever by any stretch, but it just immediately pops to mind as something that was, by necessity, unique and creative for us. And it was really fun.
Kyrie: That's so sweet. That's so cool. And I feel like that just goes to show again how like, it doesn't have to be extravagant, you know, you don't have to put on. There's been nights I really do try and like glam up a little bit for for date night, not just being in like biker shorts and t-shirt like usual. But yeah, there are some nights that I don't make the lipstick doesn't make it on and it's okay. And like, those chill, like sweet nights are truly some of my most memorable nights of just getting to. Come as we are and enjoy our time together. So I know that you've got to go. I'm so glad that you got to come visit. I'm so sorry we had to cut it short today. But for our listeners who may not be familiar with your blog, where can they find you?
Abbie: So I have a blog called M is For Mama. I also microblog over at Instagram at M. is. For. Mama, and then I'm also on Facebook with M is For Mama. I'm launching a podcast next week, which you can find on my blog, so you'll be able to find me there as well. And if you want to go to my blog and sign up for my newsletter, I send out meal plans, which people really enjoy, not having to think about what they're making for dinner that week. So that's another way that you can connect with me.
Kyrie: Fantastic. Yes. And I get your newsletter and you also have some awesome meal plan ideas on it. So just so you all know, like she is not lying. They are so helpful. Well, I'm going to let you go. Abbie. Thank you so much for coming to hang out with me on my podcast today, and I hope we can hang out and do this again soon.
Kyrie: Okay. I had to let Abbie go a little sooner than normal on today's episode, but I just wanted to conclude here. I think it's special that as moms partake in it with our spouses, fiancés, boyfriends. It is so easy to let motherhood become your all all encompassing, complete identity. We have to embrace our motherhood journeys, but we also have to remember, like, our identity is rooted in Christ.
So I feel like sometimes date night really draws me out of that world and kind of puts me back in the real world with everybody else just for a moment in time, especially with my spouse getting to reconnect on an adult level, doing a fun adult activity, whether it's in the house or out of the house. It's very easy to idolize motherhood and to get super wrapped up in it. When yes, our children are a huge ministry to us there. They are little people in our lives that we should be devoted to and taking care of and teaching and equipping. With real world things as well as spiritual matters. But also remembering like there is still more to life than our mother had journeys. And for me personally, date night is one of those things that reminds me about the rest of the world, the rest of life going on around me.
And so one of my most memorable dates that I've gotten to take with my husband, I think also was in late 2020 after things had reopened from the shutdowns from Covid. And my husband planned a special date. And I think it was so special because it was so spontaneous and like so unlike anything we've ever done. But I remember him calling me that day and saying, Hey, like, we're going on a date tonight. Be ready at whatever time and wear something nice. And that has never happened before. And so I know I was probably deep in mom mode and I was immediately like, oh
yes, what is going on? This can be so fun. I'm going to plan out my outfit. I'm going to, you know, get the kids ready, make sure they're clean. Like Abbie was saying, you know, I was going to make sure everything happened for me to be ready at, you know, I'll just say 5:00 on the dot. So he picks me up right when he says he's going to pick me up. We had some friends that were babysitting for us, which was also a surprise because I think at the time we didn't have a regular babysitter. And so date nights kind of could happen whenever his parents were available. My in-laws or like a close my mentor because think at the time we were also pursuing debt freedom and our date budget was very, very tight. So this was not something we did ever, if at all. And it's super caught me off guard in a spectacular way. So yeah, he picks me up. I'm dressed to the nines, had on lipstick that night. I do remember. And he tells me where we're going. He's taking me to a steakhouse that was like, What a steak? We can't afford a steak house. We've never been to a steak house. I had never been to a steakhouse, let alone us together. Um, and like I said, we were in the thick of our debt freedom journey.
So I was like, What is going on? And so he tells me, I've got really great news for you. This is why we're doing something special. This is why we're here. This is why we're at this fancy steakhouse. Like, I wanted to be this. I wanted this to be something that stuck in your mind. Um, that was, you know, kind of an Ebenezer milestone. So it turns out that our new company. Contracting company had landed a very, very good project that was really big, really important. And essentially the profit for it would clear the rest of our debt. So as of that night, he was waiting for me to sit at the table at the steak house with him and he opened up his phone and paid off our debt. And that was the end of our our our debt freedom journey. And I just was like, I just remember I was so astounded. I was so surprised in that dinner. Oh, it tasted so good. And and Dave Ramsey always says how, you know, once debt is out of your life. Things change, Things taste better, things look better, things feel better. Your house is so much more comfortable because you know you don't have anything looming over your head.
And that bias is so true. So that was just kind of a fun little story time of our favorite date that we've had thus far. So to wrap up this episode, y'all, I really hope I can do a part two of Date night or, you know, a part two of connecting with your spouse in your motherhood journey because. Having that balance, having that spouse do this journey with you. It makes such a big difference.
While all aspects of marriage and motherhood are difficult, I can honestly say I could not do this without my husband. I couldn't. I couldn't. Even though, you know, we clash because our parenting styles are different and we're battling sin on all fronts because we're all human. Having my spouse in this journey with me has made me a better mother, having him there to call me out if I'm doing something that you know is not effective or not helpful, or praise me for noticing when I'm doing something that is helpful for the family and for the children.
It changes my path to motherhood. It paves my path in so many different ways, for I have the opportunity to choose to either go left or right, and sometimes going the right way is following the straight and narrow and going left is getting off of the path. And I have that extra accountability to remind me to go right, to pursue holiness, pursue the Lord in this journey. So all that say I really couldn't do without him and getting to have those nights or days when we can reconnect, whether it's for 30 minutes or 2.5 hours, Lord willing, please let us have a 2.5 hour date night. There's nothing that refreshes our palate more than that of just getting to unwind, like Abbie said, and decompress and just enjoy time together for a moment.
So for more ideas on date night, check out Abbie's microblog on Instagram. Sometimes she posts what she and her husband are doing on Thursdays in her book M is For Mama, she has a chapter about date night, and if you guys really enjoyed this, I would be so, so happy to come up with some fun ideas on a budget, not on a budget that you could do on date nights and put it on my blog, put on my Instagram. So look out for that because I sense a blog post coming up about date night. I got a lot of thoughts. Follow me on Pinterest. I have a board of my favorite clothes, my styles, things that I actually go look for to replicate for said date nights. Because let's face it, most of my days are spent in leggings and a t-shirt. Nothing glamorous. Getting my glam on honestly is super fun to me. So follow me on Pinterest because I even have some ideas up there and I am thinking in about 20 minutes there's going to be a new Pinterest page up about date night. So find me there. Let's have some fun. And I'm super looking forward to connecting with you guys about date night ideas.
