Christ Glorified- Planning
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”- Proverbs 16:9
In order for me to faithfully serve others, pray diligently and complete the dozens of other tasks that take up my time in between, I have to try really hard to think ahead and plan out my days. To my surprise, it is a lot harder now than it was before we had a baby (I can’t believe that wasn’t obvious to me before). I understand now my own mother’s odd system of random little notes stashed in her purse, car console, kitchen counter and taped to the front and back doors. I realize now she wasn’t being disorganized by any means. If anything, she had the right idea when she would immediately write down anything that came to her mind before it fluttered away to be forgotten forever.Letting go of my former perfected systems of organization was hard for me to accept. I really loved how I used to be able to have an incredible memory and rarely forget about an event I was to attend or an assignment I needed to finish. Now, I’m lucky if I can remember to put on deodorant daily. My lack of memory is a valid excuse for my need to plan out any and everything, but to be honest, there’s a negative side to it as well.I am a perfectionist.I have finally come to admit that to myself, and since them I seem to beat myself up over the small things more than I ever used to. It shows how I desire control, how I can be impatient, and most disappointing to me, how I can fall into a place of not trusting what God has for me.
“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ Or “What shall we drink?’ Or “What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them all.”- Matthew 6:28-32
Anxiety is a frequent obstacle for me. My subcategories would fall into worry that pops up when I’m in social situations, indecisiveness when I'm faced with big decisions or after experiencing a flashback from my PTSD. I hate being anxious. It gives me nausea and stomach ulcers. It makes communicating with others annoying because I can’t seem to explain myself well. When I make a mistake, anxiety creeps in and tells me what a failure I am.Amongst other methods, planning and remaining organized is one way I try to combat my anxiety. When I have a lot on my plate, it is unrealistic for me to think that I could remember all the details of my responsibilities. It takes being honest with myself to admit that life can be overwhelming enough that I need some help keeping everything in order. So, like my mom, I adopted the idea of having a family calendar that I jot down events on as soon as they are confirmed. I have a little command center by our front door where I keep receipts from recent shopping trips, invitations, and items we’ve borrowed and need to return to their owners. I found a family phone calendar app ( CURAGO) that syncs to all our devices so we can always be on the same page. I keep little notes everywhere, especially on my phone. I set reminders and alarms. The list goes on.While it may seem obnoxious to have all of these things in place, it is one of the only ways I can function through life right now in order to meet work deadlines, take care of my child and make time for my husband, family and friends.
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”-1 Timothy 5:8.
Not everyday has an insanely busy schedule however, even though it may sound like it. Realistically, as a stay at home mom, some days don’t allow me to get anything done. Babies are totally unpredictable in case you weren’t aware of that before. Their schedules change weekly depending on what is developing in their tiny skulls. Those days are not my favorite. Laying down my plans to be able to take care of my son without totally losing my cool can be a pain.Those days are the ones where I don’t get to take a shower, let alone put on deodorant. My coffee never makes it out of the microwave after the second time heating it up and the dishes don’t get rinsed, nevermind washed. I may not ever make it out of my pajamas (that I possibly never made it out of the day before) and by the end of the day they’re likely covered in spit-up or snot. The writing I was planning on getting done for work that day might only get ten full minutes of my time, and I’d probably been eating Greek yogurt straight out of the container for breakfast and lunch.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”- Psalm 119:105
Even those days are worth it though; not just for knowing that my efforts are benefiting my child and husband, nor for the thought that the day will come to an end eventually and then I reward myself for my efforts. On the days I struggle with laying down my life for my baby, I pick up my bible and read to combat my frustration. I wanted to be a godly mother and not let my plans get in the way of that. Even more importantly, I wanted to be a godly wife and not let my responsibility of raising a child and working from home disrupt our marriage.What I read early on in my motherhood journey changed my perspective permanently. I learned that with every diaper I changed and meal I cooked I was collecting eternal treasures by serving my family. When I set aside nights to date my husband, I was investing precious time into my marriage. When I said “no” to a certain social event or volunteering to get my work finished before a deadline, I was honoring God by being responsible and keeping my word. Everything I could decide to invest my time in would have a reaction that would follow it, and that reaction could either be good or bad. When I trust in God and let Him lead my decisions, and go to Him with an open heart and mind, He will guide me in the right directions. Sometimes those directions lead me to results that are not as fun yet allow me the opportunity to learn an important life lesson, and sometimes those directions are easy and joyful. Regardless, they are good, because God’s hand is in all things. He can make even the bad things in life reflect his glory and goodness.