Even in the Bad, He is Good.
“ God is usually untethering some type of attachment…if you love praise, if you love glory…God will use the difficulty to untether you from the idolatry because he loves us…the difficulty is a mercy…sometimes we want God to take [the thing] away, but sometimes God wants us to endure it because God is trying to teach us something through it. God is using all of it!”-Jackie Hill Perry, With the Perrys, “Social Media Break, Slander and Sanctification”
How can I lift my hands and rejoice when life is hard and I’m going through something bad?
How can I go and worship when I am deep in lament?
Because God is doing something good, even in the bad.
Do I trust Him when life is hard?
October 29th, I left our midwife’s office and broke down in our minivan. I just had a feeling.
I get a lot of those, those gut feelings, otherwise known as discernment.
It’s a unique gift, but it also is a curse. I already have diagnosed anxiety. I already struggle to believe the best, and look for the hopeful parts of situations.
So, when we went into our 20 week anatomy scan to see our newest baby, I had a feeling…
I had invited my mother and father in-law to come see the baby, and I asked them to stay in the waiting room with our kids until we got an “all clear,” to protect them from any sort of bad news.
Moments after the sonographer started moving his wand around my abdomen, after I made my request, he asked, “Why do you say that? Have you been feeling alright? Do you think something is wrong?”
I didn't think anything was wrong, but this pregnancy I just had a feeling. I had a nagging thought to protect my family, maybe in all honesty from loving this new baby too hard.
The sonographer stayed quiet, which wasn’t his norm, He’d done the ultrasounds for my second and third pregnancies too, and I was fairly familiar with him.
“Is something wrong?”
“Well, actually, yes.”
There is was, that long-awaited devastation I’d been waiting to be struck with.
I looked at the screen as my vision began to fuzz from the coming tears, and saw nothing.
Genuinely, nothing.
Because, where there was usually a flickering heart and gray matter there was just a big, black space.
Within a week, we learned that that big black space was fluid severely compressing our baby’s heart and lungs, and there was a large amount of swelling all through our baby’s skin.
In a quiet conference room in front of a funky-looking telehealth screen, a doctor on the other side of the country told us what that black expanse of nothingness in our baby’s chest cavity meant— fetal hydrops.
I’d tell you not to google it, but I’m going to guess you already are, because I did. I had never heard of fetal hydrops. Most people haven’t. It’s not a very common diagnosis, and it honestly is as scary as it sounds.
I don’t particularly want to get into all that here though, I’m not quite ready to be an advocate for hydrops babies. Someday, definitely, but today, no. So, I’ll leave you to your research.
I’ve had three professionals from my trusted counselor, to my midwife, to a staff member from the organization for family’s carrying babies with life-limiting diagnosis, Abel Speaks, gently suggest journaling to help me through this process.
“You’re a writer, you should write!”
After six weeks of putting off putting pen to paper (or fingers to keys) here I am. Just trying to process. Take this bad day by day, walking in faith, because that’s all I can do.
I’ve never been in this predicament, where my life feels so vulnerable and out of control. It’s not my favorite feeling AT ALL, (hello, anxiety) but it has me thinking deeply about that quote I started off this blog post with, about sanctification.
Control has been my kryptonite probably forever for all I know. I’m sure I can trace a timeline that would give every reason why it’d make sense that it’s such a struggle for me, but in the end, I want to call it what it is— my idol.
Control : Comfort :: Jesus : Peace
I wouldn’t call myself a control-freak, more just very type-A. Everything has a place, a time, a use, in its’ order. Yet, the Bible has this to say about order in Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1-8.
“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.”
Through this difficulty with our pregnancy, I’m seeing that this is simply my time.
It’s God ringing the dinner bell to tell me to drop the control, and run to the True Comforter, my Prince of Peace.
There was a whole five minutes of deep lament where I blamed myself for our baby’s illness, because what else is to blame, other than me? Maybe it was my own sin that bought me into this valley?
Quickly, I was reminded no, this is not that.
This was not bought upon by my own neglect or secret sin.
This is a moment where the Lord is stepping into my anxiety, my desire for control, my fears and my worries and telling my it’s time to practice my faith in a steep walk of faith and obedience.
It’s going to be heartbreaking, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to suck.
It’s going to be out of your control, it’s going to knock you to your feet in a way you’ve never been knocked over before.
It’s going to be expensive, it’s going to be tiring, it’s going to grieve you.
It’s going to cause you to give up a lot.
It’s going to change your body, your health, and life as you knew up it to October 29th, 2024.
But it’s for my good, and for God’s glory.
He promises me that. He sent His Beloved Son from the throne room to a prisoner’s death on a cross for that.
He’s left me in such a vulnerable state where all I can do, day by day is to walk in faith and rely of my God to be my everything.
There’s simply no other option, but I trust that there’s a story of glory that is meant to shine through this bad.
